i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize