God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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