Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
