Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
