The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
