no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
