Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
