he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
