I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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