There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Don't EVER smell your tampon
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
