Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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