Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
