I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He felt like a one man threesome
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
