You made me cry and you don't even care
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fill condoms, not promises.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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