hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize