Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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