So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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