So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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