I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am puke
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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