I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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