My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
