you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
