Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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