I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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