he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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