U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
