I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
