my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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