I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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