And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
