I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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