you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
