She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
