All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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