I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
