I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
