He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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