The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
