I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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