I met the friendliest cop last night
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
