dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
