I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
