I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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