She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
