Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
