I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Welp...herpes.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
