Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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