what day is it and did you see me today?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
