dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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