This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
