i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
