just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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