I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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