Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Randomize
