my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
