My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
