I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
