so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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