all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
