My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You did what with his pubic hair?
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